A true, harrowing tale of a grown-ass man and his cat. Set against the reality of being in the middle of a gut renovation of his first apartment purchase, when Covid shut down construction, and his entire industry.
Published by Loren Aguey - Oct 19, 2021
The real-life protagonist (antagonist?) of this story.
Nope.
Functional toilet. Little else. No sink, no shower, no kitchen. Running water from a pipe in the wall. Construction materials littered throughout the entire apartment.
See employment status. Owes contractor a shit load of money. High-interest debt piling up because, despite near-perfect credit pre-Covid, 3 of my LITERALLY NEVER USED 0% APR for 15+months credit cards dropped me like a bad habit and closed the accounts as soon as they got a whiff of trouble.
What’s the expression?
“A Banker Lends You His Umbrella When It’s Sunny and Wants It Back When It Rains.” -Mark Twain
Sounds about right.
Completely, and utterly fucked.
Having just watched her old apartment get emptied out, Cat is now in an Uber on the way to the new apartment, and is, as per usual, FREAKING OUT.
Cat: “WTF is going on, man?!”
Me: “Don’t worry cat, we’re moving again. But to a nicer apartment, with lots of windows with park views that you’re gonna love. And this time, we’re building equity cat. EQUITY!!”
Cat: “Damn your equity! I’m tired of you making decisions all the time without consulting me. It’s not all about you ya know.”
Me: “It actually is all about me. You seem to forget that you’re a cat. I literally own you.”
Cat: “You seem to forget that…fuck you.”
Me: “Good talk.”
Me: “…uhhh…one more thing…There’s still construction going on there. Ya boy can’t keep paying for 2 apartments without a job, so we gotta move a little early before it’s finished…and if I were a bettin’ man, I’d wager that you’re probably not gonna like the sound of them cutting tile with an angle grinder…😬”
Cat: “…… ”
Me: “……”
Cat: Speaking quietly, almost a whisper … “With every bone in my body, every whisker on my face, every pucker in my puckered little asshole…I hate you… I hate you more than the way your two-year-old niece pets me like she’s playing whack-a-mole.”
Me: “….luuuuuvvvv you….”
Cat: “Allow me to demonstrate my pure, concentrated disdain for you. I’ve just pissed in my own carrier. Watch me as I intentionally splash my own urine onto the back seat of this Uber for you to nonchalantly try and clean up with your arm and shirt without the driver noticing. Then you’ll give him a completely out-of-context, aggressively large tip in order to somehow balance the karma.
Then we’ll get to the new place, you’ll pull me out of the carrier, and I will literally be soaked head to toe in my own urine. I will track paw piss prints all over your apartment until you catch me and do your best to try and wash me without a functional sink in your apartment. I will be nothing more than an angry, piss-soaked ball of fur with zero fucks left to give. And whose problem will that be? Yours. Not mine. You will RUE the day you thought you could upend my life without consequences!”
Me: On the verge of a complete mental breakdown…. “You know what cat…I think I hate you too...”
Cat: “Good talk.”
Me: “Fuck you cat.”